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What Do I Do Now?

Surviving Breast Cancer
1 day ago
5 min read

Updated: 15 minutes ago

By Heather Paganica

“So often I measure my growth by how long my hair has gotten, but this journey has been so much more than my hair and I’m proud of me!” –– Heather Paganica

I tell people that Thursday, October 20, 2022 was the worst day of my life, but then it all went uphill from there. Let me explain…

The days following my diagnosis were a blur. I had gotten the phone call from the breast imaging office that Thursday, and he just told me that my results came back with cancer in all three areas biopsied. I didn’t know what to do. I remembered they told me on the phone that I should call my doctor’s office. At that point I was so shocked I thought, “What doctor?” I spoke to the PA at my gynecologist’s office about possible oncologists to meet with. I didn’t know WHO I was supposed to talk with. I didn’t know WHAT I was supposed to do. It was all very scary and confusing but I knew I wanted the cancer out of my body!

Someone gave me the number for Northwell Breast Cancer Nurse Navigators and I was put in contact with a woman named Jackie. Boy oh boy, was she down to earth and lovely. A beautiful breast cancer survivor with the same name as my co-worker who had battled breast cancer years earlier. I felt as though she had sent Jackie B. to me from Heaven. I ALREADY had an angel looking over me. Thank you Jackie! Thank you for the sign from above.

Jackie B. was one of MANY signs along this journey. She helped me find an oncologist. She gave me three names and showed me where I could learn about each doctor and even see a picture of each doctor. My gynecologist’s PA recommended another doctor. I made appointments with two of them.

Dr. Sylvia Alicia Reyes was the first oncologist I spoke to about my cancer. She is a surgical oncologist. I didn’t know there were different types. She explained my cancer to me with pictures, compassion and gentleness. Another angel sent from above. That first talk was HARD, but I was assured that I COULD and I WOULD beat this very aggressive cancer. I think of how far I’ve come from that day and I am AMAZED!

That word, AGGRESSIVE. It wasn’t until a long time after my diagnosis that I told my mom that my cancer was AGGRESSIVE. It was the first time she heard it. I had softened the hard stuff for her because I knew how hard this had to be for HER. I am a mother now and I can imagine how she felt as my mother, watching me go through this from so far away. (My mother lives in North Carolina and I am in New York.)

I know she’s proud of me, but she must have felt so helpless. I hate that she had to feel that way. I hated that so many people who love me felt helpless. I appreciate how much support and love I had and still have! Life went on for me. I was still a teacher.

After that dreadful Thursday, October 20, I took off the next day on Friday. On Saturday, I went to soccer with my son, Marcello. Then, on Sunday I took him to a birthday party for his friend Zachary. I knew Zachary’s mom had gone through breast cancer and survived. I contemplated telling her about my cancer, but it was too soon. I wasn’t ready, and I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to tell her at her son’s birthday party.

I remembered my principal telling me I would feel better once I had a plan of action with the doctor, but that doctor’s appointment hadn’t happened yet. All I knew was that I had cancer. Cancer. Such a scary word. A word that got easier for me to say after I had to tell Marcello the “name of my disease.”

On November 4, I met Dr. Nouneh Janet Gostanian. It was my husband Rocco’s 48th birthday and here we sat to hear my fate. Dr. G was nothing short of amazing. She had gone over all of my paperwork BEFORE sitting down with us, so she wasn’t staring at a computer screen or papers in front of her – she was looking at us. She explained my cancer again and what her plan of attack was and why. THIS was the “plan” that my principal had told me would make me feel better. I fought back tears so hard. I just wanted them to cut off my boobs! I just wanted to yell that at her and everyone in the room. “JUST F*CKING CUT THEM OFF!” I wanted the cancer out of my body! I wanted this nightmare to go away! I didn’t want to do chemo and lose my hair! I loved my beautiful hair. I was so, so sad.

She told me that the cancer was stage 2 and aggressive, and they had to kill it with chemotherapy before they could do surgery. They could’ve done a lumpectomy and radiation, but with the cancer I had it would be risky. Chemotherapy first and then surgery was our best line of defense. I cried… the tears fell and I yelled out loud, “Well, if you’re going to take my hair and you’re going to take my tits, then you better take the f*cking cancer!” I was angry. I was sad. I was scared.

Rocco looked at me in disbelief and shock. I apologized for my outburst, and Dr. Gostanian looked at me and Rocco and told me I had nothing to apologize for (or something of that nature). It was all too much. I excused myself to use the ladies’ room. I cried in the bathroom. I cried so hard, but stifled it because I didn’t want anyone to hear me. I calmed myself down, splashed some cold water on my face and went back to Dr. G’s office. I asked Dr. G for a list of things I had to get done to get started on chemotherapy. I wanted this DONE!

The following week I went for an EKG and an MRI biopsy. I joked that I wanted to try all the different types of biopsies (mammo, sono, and now MRI). Rocco and I walked out to the car and I remember throwing my pocketbook onto the floor of the passenger’s seat angrily. When we got into the car I sat and cried. Rocco let me cry it out and then told me what happened while I was in the bathroom. “When you went to the bathroom, Dr. Gostanian got up and closed the door. I was scared of what she was going to say, but she told me that that was the time where if things were bad, she would’ve been prepping me to be there for you, but that wasn’t the case for you. She told me you’re going to beat this. You’re going to beat this, babe!”