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  • Writer's pictureSurviving Breast Cancer

Via Con Dios

By Ginger Guzman


How I anxiously longed for your arrival when I was young

Waiting impatiently for you to finally make your appearance

But frightened and shy of you all the same, afraid of how it would be

When you finally did make your debut

I was so very proud of you

You brought me to the portal of adulthood where

I first caught a glimpse of the future me


Your entrance made me feel that I was on my way

To finally becoming a woman

The furtive timid looks from boys

The first shy explorations of what it meant to have you as a new elemental part of me

As we both grew, you introduced me to sweet sensations and sensual play

That heralded so many changes and exciting promises of corporal joys


You would never grow so very big, but you became an essential feature

Of who I was; from your advent there was no me without you

I am ashamed now that I took you for granted for so many years

Annoyed with you the times you caused me discomfort and pain

Forgive my stupidity, I took you for granted and now I shed an ocean of tears

For I never realized the day would come that we two could no longer together remain


There must be more to you than just skin, tissue, veins, blood

What happens to you after they cut you off?

Where do you go?

Do they just throw you out?

Do you just disintegrate and fall apart in some trough?

How do I know, really truly know, that I have no choice, how do I live with the doubt?


But in my heart of hearts, in the secret place where I seldom go

There lives a voice that tells me what I need to know

And she tells me now that I must learn how to say goodbye

The experts are right; I must acquiesce and comply

In the best way I can and with all the love I am able to show

But how I wish there was someone, some book or class, to teach me to let go, to teach me how


You were the first definitive sign of my womanhood,

In you lives my youth, my girlhood dreams, those sweet fumblings & breathtaking discoveries,

All those years, all those dreams that I can longer dream, all I must keep locked in my heart

I must let go of the bad and only retain the good

Without you, I must find my way to a new start

Your door must close, another opens now…


Once again, you bring me to the very precipice of a new world where I am poised to jump

I fear it won’t be as full of wonder and discovery

As the one you first showed me

But perhaps it may be filled with the wisdom I so desperately need

And possibly lovely surprises may well await me where I go

I pray that I have the courage to say goodbye and set you free


Time is a commodity too precious to put in peril or squander, I mustn’t tarry any longer;

I beg of you one more gift: please take this disease with you and leave me unbowed

Take all the cells that won’t stop multiplying, take their malevolent intent with you on your way

And leave me more courageous, smarter, braver, kinder, stronger

Make all my fear, meanness, self-pity, despair, doubts depart, and I vow not to pass a day

That I do not remember and do my best to make us both proud





 


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