Whad’ya Know?

By Teresa Nolan

Feeling stressed

Got a massage

I lay on my stomach

A stone, it seemed

In my breast

And I knew

I knew

I went home

Didn’t think about it

For a bit

Until I did

And then, I felt it

In the shower

I knew

I knew

That was May

June, see the gyno

July, get a mammo

August, whad’ya know?

All the while

Flashing various docs

My broken boobs

I knew

My mother had it

When I was small

She survived

She was scared

She was scarred

Physically

Emotionally

And while she waited

For the shoe to drop

It never did

She used to take me with her

To the shop for her special bras

So I knew

About the differences

About the frustrations

About the indignities

From a young age

I knew

Self-exams

Dense Breasts

Ultrasounds

Breast Clips

Biopsies

Genetics

I knew

I knew and

I was still surprised

But not really

Because I always knew

And then suddenly

I knew nothing

A whole new language

Her 2 Negative

ANC

PALB2

Red Devil?!

And every day more to learn

More to know

In the midst of the unknowable

Now the things I know are new

I thought I knew

But what did I know

It’s a lot

This extra job of not dying

It wears you out

All the hoping

All the keeping strong

This I certainly know

But I also know this:

I survived

I am strong

Often frustrated

Sometimes scared

Definitely scarred

But hopeful

And fighting

And here.

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